Moving Forwards

Things get worse before they get better. That’s what I’ve always been to, and I firmly believe that too. I know in life you have to do what makes you happy no matter who it disappoints. It’s hard…and I know I’m just going to keep disappointing more people before its through. I may hear a lot of disapproval but it’s not their life is it? I know who will be there for me through it all and they’re all I need. It saddens me that my own family doesn’t approve of my life. Yeah I’m no college athlete anymore, but I still have play a mean game. I made changes of my schooling and pardon me if I don’t see you enough to tell you about it. I’m not going to live the picture perfect life like some of my family has. I’m not that person. I don’t normally live up to people’s expectations and I know that. I’ve given up on impressing everyone. I’m not a genius, but I know enough to keep me going through the rest of my life. I’m in live with a very wonderful guy who helps me keep my chin up, I have a life plan, I have enough people around me to keep me happy forever, and most of all, I have God.
I wish that I didn’t have to act around family. You think that me doing whatever I want wouldn’t make people question my maturity. So I like to color. My mom got me a princess calendar for Christmas and you have to color it and my extended family was shocked I was even messing with it. Luckily I have that one aunt who admitted to like coloring with her grandkids so they kinda left me alone. I love my family but I’m either too immature or too young to be an adult like my other relatives of the same age. How annoying.
I live and I forget but if only I could forget faster. I hold a grudge way too long. I know God will help me get through it all. :)

Dear God,

You see there is a girl….okay more than one girl. They mean the whole world to me. They keep me going when things are hard. I would be lost without them. They are some sort of perfect in my eyes. I remember when I was a little girl of 8 years old who had no friends. I remember praying for a friend. Well God you have truly blessed me. You didn’t just send me a friend or two, you sent me freaking ANGELS. They are even more beautiful than I thought angels could be. They have inner beauty and personalities that shine even more than their outer beauty, if that’s possible. I swear sometimes they fly to my side, because no human could possibly be there for me as fast as these girls are. Even though I may not be always happy and chipper, they are willing to hang out with me. You know you have a true friendship when you can just sit there in total silence and not want to break it. When you are okay with sleeping in the same twin size bed in your college dorm. I know that these girls will be my true friends forever, and I will always be with them. No matter how far apart we may live or how little we talk. 

The saddest image I’ve ever seen in my entire life is seeing an angel cry. Their wings droop and their halos tilt. They don’t seem to sparkle as much, and the brightness in the room seems to disappear. It’s so sad to see…nearly as sad as hearing their tears. It’s harder to hear an angel’s tears, because then you know they are crying. You know that the world has lost a little of it’s color, its shine. I used to think it was a tragic sight to see people crying, but I now know there is no comparison to the sight of a fallen angel. The images will always be burned into my mind. Their sobs still ring in my ears and cause tears to build behind closed eyelids. 

I love these angels, God. They are more than just your servants you have sent to show me what true happiness is, they are my best friends. I just ask that you take care of them the way you continue to take care of me by keeping them in my life and not calling them back to your kingdom. These angels struggle everyday just like I do, so please Father, help them. There is no greater sight than seeing an angel smile. No comparison in seeing them float across the ground as their wings carry them to bigger and better things in life. So please God, hear me and help your fallen angels in their time of need. They need you more than I do…

Love your blessed child,

Morgan

when will you realize that i’ve never spilled tears for someone before, that i’ve never tried so hard to make something work, that i’ve never been as happy or content to be myself as i have with, for, or about you? when will you realize that i keep being told not to care so much anymore and just be a friend, but i ignore all of them because i care too damn much. i want to be with you so much and i don’t even care if it’s just as a friend to you, but i want to be there for you when you need me. i want to be the one you turn to, the one you can rely on. but i know that i’m not entirely that person. we don’t have what we once did and you can’t even comprehend how much that hurts and how much i freaking miss that. i haven’t cried so much about one person since mallori died. ever since i met you merely six weeks after her death, i haven’t been able to cry. until the last few weeks. i don’t want you to change, and people keep thinking i want you to change for some reason. i just want back what was there. i want how things were over break. how we used to talk for hours on end taking breaks only for practice and sleep…i miss that like you don’t even know. what happened? maybe i changed. maybe i screwed things up. but i can tell you one thing for sure, kelsey definitely didn’t help. it isn’t all her fault but she put this seed of doubt in my mind that first weekend back. i didn’t think it would be something i couldn’t handle but i can’t handle knowing you talk to her more than me. i used to tell you everything! i still will. no questions asked, but i don’t know if you still care about that side anymore…i really don’t. if i wasn’t so tired right now i’d keep going but class will be here before i know it…

Well fuck it all I’m not going to be able to go back to Goshen. I can’t handle it academically. I just can’t make the cut. DAMN IT ALL!!!!  I gotta think about what to do next…

Thanksgiving is finally arriving!! That means a break from school, going home, seeing family and friends, and eating lots of food! I am in serious need of this break, but I’m worried about a lot of stuff. Still the good things are outweighing the bad and that’s all I can ask for right now. I have been able to move on finally. What was once holding me back is no longer holding me. I have been able to shift into another’s embrace. I finally realized that I really didn’t love that stupid boy, I was only infatuated and had nothing else to change my mind about him. I saw through the facade he put up for me and decided that the awkwardness wasn’t worth the struggle anymore.

Halloween was awesome!! All that I can say. The girls and I were rocking it in our Go-Go dancer costumes. We were getting it all night! We partied til the morning hours and met a ton of new people. Well Melissa and I did that is. If I hadn’t been able to go out on Saturday night, then I might not be as happy today as I am, that is for sure. It was on this particular Saturday night that I met him. He was drunk and it was obvious that’s for sure, but it didn’t make me feel like I should be wary of him. Our mutual friends Seth and Mikey introduced us…kind of. It turns out this kid is really in my Chemistry class and we sit 4 seats apart, but we don’t talk. Well now we do but that’s not the point. We talked and then Stacey wanted to dance so I got up and got my groove on again. After a while he and Seth got up. Stacey went over to dance with Seth while I stayed with the girls, unsure of what he was wanting…to dance or if he was just getting up for another drink. I watched him outta the corner of my eye until Stacey called me over so that he and I could dance with him. We danced for a while, then Stacey and I wandered off into the mob again to see what else was going on and so that the guys could go do their own thing. A short time later, said party was about to be busted, so the girls and I split without saying goodbye to my new friend. It’s a good thing we split when we did, because the po-po showed up merely minutes after we left. Our dear friend Mikey got caught and was arrested along with another baseball player. Luckily Seth got away, otherwise he’d be in deep shit.

The week following Halloween was uneventful until about the following Thursday. I talked to my new friend on Facebook. We talked until about 3 in the morning…I discovered he’s a total sweetheart, and that he actually seemed interested in what I had to say. After he went to bed, I realized that I was happy and giddy again. I was ecstatic to also realize that I hadn’t thought about my woes at all that week. The next day I went over to apartments to visit my dear friend Shane. When I arrived, I was pleasantly surprised to see him sitting there. I discovered that Shane and my other acquaintance Garrett were actually really good friends with him. That night changed my weekends for the last few weeks of school here. We didn’t leave the apartments until 4 that night, and by the point I was happily sitting on the couch in his arms. He drinks, but keeps his composure, and was sober enough to walk me back to my dorm before he himself left. That itself was enough to impress me and realize that he was definitely a sweetheart. It gave me butterflies just to be alone with him. I got my first hug from him that night, and confirmed that I would be seeing him the next night. In the apartments, doing basically the same thing we had that night. So the following night, I went to the apartments and made dinner for Stacey and I. So Stacey, Shane, Melissa and I were sitting around eating when in walked my new guy. Since Stacey was sitting next to me, he had to sit in a chair across the room. Me being the shy girl I am didn’t do anything about it. Embarrassingly, Stacey, the girl who will do anything to help her friend, made it blatantly obvious that he should go sit next to me when she moved. She did this by pointing this little dart gun at his face and then towards me. When that didn’t work, the ever blunt Shane took said gun and made it more blatant and obvious as well as embarrassing that he should go sit by me. Well all is said and done, then we end up watching a movie and we were both comfortable enough to fall asleep (though I know I didn’t, I don’t know about him…). That night before we left, I made sure to tell him to text me when he got home, and gave him my number. (Real sly right?) Well we began texting each other the whole next day. I kinda sorta got him to let me go to the fall mainstage with him. So as we’re sitting at the mainstage, he very obviously held out his hand for mine. It was so sweet and cute that I couldn’t help but smile for the rest of the day.

Throughout the whole next week, we got to know each other and did things together. The weather was just right that I was able to do things with him that I have always wanted to do with a guy, but have never been asked to. Thanks to him, I had a good last game for volleyball this year. We hung out that day before I left and that meant a lot to me, and it helped me loosen up and be excited about the game that night. Best thing is, he even came to the game. Well that was partly due to the fact that his cousin is Kate, but he was there and I was happy with that.

I’ve been seeing him for most nights on the weekends, and I see him all the time in Chemistry. It has made my life seem to be on cloud nine. I don’t know if I could be surviving all this stressful stuff without him here to make it all better. The weekends have been great and I haven’t had a care in the world. I am more comfortable with him than I am many of my other guy friends that I have known for much longer that a few weeks. He is just as goofy as I am, especially when he is drunk, and that is when I get to laugh the most and he won’t do anything about it.

My great grandma died last week and i had to go home Friday night which ended up canceling our plans for Friday night. We ended up rescheduling for Saturday, and that got me out of a lot of post funeral get together stuff. I talked to him before I went to bed that Friday night, and I went to bed fairly early, for me at least. The next morning I woke up with a text that he had sent that night after I had gone to bed. Single-handedly made my day before it had even started. It said:

Hey I know you’re sleeping and I hope you don’t wake up but I just wanted to say I’m excited to hang out tomorrow

Nothing could have made me mad after that text, and I mean nothing.  I was waltzing around the house getting ready for a funeral and I was beaming. Smiling and I was about to go to a funeral.

Over the past few weeks, we’ve really gotten close. This past weekend tops them all. Friday night I went up to the apartments like usual and had a typical night. The party started very early, so when we got there, Garrett passed out, Hurst was God-knows-where until about 11:15 and our little party ended for the two of us and Mel at about 12:30. The next night, now that is one for the record book for me. Mel and I headed over to the apartments at about 9:15, and we were bored out of our minds until we got there. We got there and the door was oddly barricaded by the solid body of my guy. When he finally let us in, he was leaving which I was sad about, but I didn’t want the others to think that I only came over to see him, which I kind of do, but I really enjoy their company too. It turns out that since he is 21, he and another kid went on the liquor run. When he got back he had a bottle of his dear friend Jim Bean. He and Garrett ended up taking about 9-10 shots of that stuff before the nights end. He got me to drink some whiskey  and coke, which was awful. I drank about 2 sips of that and then kinda just held the cup when he handed it to me. After a while Stacey joined our group after her little date with Seth. Her, Melissa and I had planned to go to Jess’s house for a while, so we got ready to go and I asked him to go with us. He said sure since Shane was going, but then my phone, which was beside him, went off with a text from the guy who I had been moping around a few weeks ago about. He got all suspicious and replied for me. This ensued a whole conversation between the two with the other guy thinking it was me. Well when their conversation finally ended, Melissa and Stacey had already headed to Barn house. So we found our own ride and were on our way down to our ride when he decides to head to the apartment where my old crush was hanging out with the girl who had hooked the two of us up (who was on the volleyball team) and her fiance (who happened to be the old crush’s best friend). The idiot walks in and talks to the trio for a few before turning to my old crush and says, “Oh, by the way that wasn’t Morgan talking to you, that was me.” This obviously irritated the other guy whose only reply was “fuck you” and got me another text, to the phone that was in my guy’s pocket still, that said “Hv a good time with him…” We finally got to Barn house, and saw that it was real small, but we decided to take advantage of his drunkenness and get him to dance with me. Eventually the two of us left the dance floor and headed outside, because he wanted to talk. That kind of scared me, as it usually does, but I had something I wanted to say to him too.

I was really nervous until he took my hand, wrapped his arm around me, and pulled me close before very calmly telling me what was going on in his mind. I feel much better now that I know what he’s thinking. He has said that he doesn’t want to lead me on and that he really enjoys hanging out with me but he’s really not ready for a relationship yet. I understand that and while that’s not really what I wanted to hear, it was the next thing he said that gave me hope. He told me that just because he isn’t ready for a relationship now, doesn’t mean that what we’ve got won’t turn into one. He said that he hasn’t kissed me yet because he doesn’t want me to get my hopes up and then have them dashed like they were with my last relationship. That only made me laugh and I told him about the deal that I had made with Stacey not to kiss him until New Years. He told me he understood but that he wouldn’t be adverse to me kissing him before hand if I felt like it. Which I had since both Seth and Garrett had given me a hard time about not doing so yet. I told him I wanted to wait and now we have New Years Eve plans. We continued our night with talking, dancing, and even a game of beer pong. We finally left the party and began walking back. He had decided to stay at the apartments that night since he knew he was going to be too drunk to do any driving that night. When we finally got to the apartments, I was about to say goodnight and goodbye when he asked me to stay the night in the apartments with him. I knew Shane would give me some shorts and a tshirt so I said yes. We ended up in Shane’s top bunk and were about to turn off the light when Shane came in and took my necklace. Okay so it’s really my guy’s necklace but I took it last week, and that’s a whole other story. He took it and put it on saying he wouldn’t give it back until I kissed his boy. That did it.

I really didn’t want to so that I could make myself hold onto that goal I had set for myself, but I really do LOVE that necklace. It’s the one thing of his that I get to always wear. So I kissed him. That was that. As far as Stacey and Melissa know, I still haven’t kissed him. That is staying an apartment secret since Shane decided to go out to the living room and brag about how he just helped his boy get some. That one kiss led to many more throughout the night. When we finally fell asleep, I have to say I was really happy to have the next day never come. I was afraid that he would not remember anything that we had talked about, or that he’d make everything really awkward. When we both woke up the following morning, he looked down at me, kissed me, then smiled and said “You thought I forgot didn’t you?” And all I could do was hug that crazy guy. We laid in that bed for another 2 hours since apparently he wakes up early the morning after he gets really drunk. We talked for a while, and then we finally decided to get up after he kept complaining about me wearing Shane’s clothes (we decided that the next time he would bring an extra pair of shorts and a tshirt for me so that this wouldn’t happen again).

Now all this has happened and I even got to spend a few hours with him tonight. He always asks me to do stuff in the sweetest ways, and I always get giddy about it. Melissa only asks what he said this time so that she know why I’m continually laughing. It just keeps getting better, and now I have his smell on my shirt. I have decided that I will wear this shirt to bed until the scent leaves. Plus now my necklace even smells like him. Maybe I can sleep again. I had to rearrange my pillows so that I had an imaginary person beside me. It’s kinda sad that I have to do that after only spending one night with him…oh well. I can now go to break feeling happy since I got to see him before I left for vacation. But now that I’ve finally got this all down, I can finally go to bed so I can stay awake in class tomorrow.

Where to start?…So many things happened this weekend that I didn’t even realize it until now…I can’t believe how things can change in a matter of moments.

I have been so blind to how much I really miss my best friend until she was here in my grasp to talk to. If only our bodies didn’t require so much damned sleep!! We could have stayed up all night and talked. We learned so much about each other that we really didn’t know. Hard to believe that in the last 8 years we really almost knew each other inside and out, but were seemingly afraid to tell each other the more emotionally intense secrets about ourselves. My best friend rekindled my friendship with someone I haven’t talked to in over 2 years. Now who can say they have a great friend that can do that, and accept them for the things that you find so dark in their own mind? Not many, and although she and I don’t talk all that much since we don’t really see each other that often, she is still the one that I can trust with so much of myself.

People are stupid. That’s all there is to it. It kills me to see how much they are willing to let other people suffer for their own feel-good. I am sick and tired of getting called to meetings about the things that other people are doing because people are too cowardly and don’t want to talk to the culprits themselves. I don’t drink, I don’t make a mess and leave it, I don’t stay out til 3 in the morning partying, I don’t keep guys in my room past visitation hours (except my 10 year-old brother, but that’s a different story…), I am not loud past 11 and 12 on my floor, and I sure as hell don’t use the lounge microwave. I have my own thank you very much. Just a few things that people are doing that are stupid and I have to hear ALL about it. Keep that in mind assholes.

This weekend I realized how much I really DO love my teammates, even if I don’t express it all that much even to myself. When one teammate puts a lot of stress onto another I always want to be the one to be able to listen to their woes. I may not have even known what happens all the time but I want to let them get it all off their chest and if they don’t tell me it all because they aren’t ready for that yet, then fine. I can manage. I’m not desperate for information. I really love my girls and could not possibly ask for a better group of teammates, either volleyball or softball. I love them all whether they feel entirely the same way or not.

My little brother is the freaking bomb, end of story. I think he may possibly be the most important family member to me right now. I had so much fun with him this weekend! I never thought that I would miss the bugger so much! Only he can make me so mad yet love him so much. I can’t be mad at the kid for more than 5 minutes. He is seriously the light of my world. I don’t think there is anything I wouldn’t do for him. He gave me such a stress-free weekend and behaved so well!!! It was really the best he’s been for just me. I was so happy to see how much I’ve been able to control him and keep him under control. It really shows how much he respects and trusts me, and I am really touched by it. Who knew that such an early age, I was raising what now seems like my own kid. I always hear about him telling his friends at school about me proudly and it makes me proud to know that I am someone that he can be proud of. I am so proud of my brother. He’s just like me when I was growing up, and I foresee great things for him in his future if he can stick with all the pressure and stress. I can honestly say now that I wish that Andrew would come for a visit too. I think he’d get along with some of my guys from around here. He’d have to open up with them, and remember that he is indeed a minor and that people will someday use him. As long as he keeps his head on straight he’d enjoy himself here for a weekend (even if I took him to a party…tehe).

Finally someone is starting to come around!! Maybe he’s realized how much I really care for him,or just realized how much he misses me and really cares for me. I’m hoping a little of both. I mean, I really do care about him and I don’t think I could ever find someone like him again. He’s so much that I’ve been looking for and just bypassed because I thought I wasn’t good enough for him and his friends. I had to make things hard for me in order for him to respark it but I think I did the right thing, especially after our light-hearted good night conversation we had tonight. I really am sooo happy to have even talked to him tonight. Maybe, just maybe my efforts haven’t totally been in vain, like I had thought they were in the past. I even tried to find other guys to talk to in an effort to make him jealous I guess, and in an effort to finally get the social life that I have always wanted since high school. I don’t know but either way, I really just want to go and be with him now and wake up in his arms…we’re not even together and I really just want to be able to spend the time with him that I was able to on Friday night…if only I could have that time again. What am I saying? I’ve still got so much time to spend with him.

So with a weekend so full of ups and downs, I have been pleased overall. I was able to even get my yearbook! I learned a lot about things that I never fully registered before. I have noticed some other things that I plan on paying more attention to but those things will have to wait and be addressed at a later date. For now, I’ll take the good things that I’ve got and hold on to them.